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I Hate Autism Today

I'll just preface today's entry by saying this:

Most days, the thought "Nathaniel has autism." doesn't even cross my mind. It is what it is. (Sorry Joey! I know you hate that phrase.) There are things that are more difficult because of it, but it's all we've ever known with Nathaniel. Occasionally, we have an incident like the one we had this afternoon that makes me all too aware that Nate has autism. And makes me hate autism for a split second. But then I think to myself, "would Nate be the sweet, lovable, green-eyed, long lashed boy if he didn't have autism?" and think that it's really not so bad.

Here's the incident from this afternoon.

You'd swear his heart was broken into a million pieces.

I went to pick him up at school this afternoon and was met by his teacher. She apologized profusely - Nate's coat/hat had been lost. She said he had it this morning when they went outside to play and they hung it in his cubby when he came in. But she said she didn't know if it fell out onto the floor and another student picked it up or if it made it's way to lost and found or what, but it was gone.

I told her it wasn't a big deal, as honestly, it really wasn't. The coat he had on was just a fleece parka type of jacket. It wasn't his nice spring jacket or his winter coat, thankfully. But either way, I'm not upset that it was lost...these things happen.

Unfortunately, Nate wasn't as forgiving. He didn't really seem to be crying when he came over with the teacher, but on the way to the car, he cried and sobbed like he was heartbroken. And he continued all the way home, choking out "coat" and "hat" in between sobs. I kept trying to explain to him that I didn't have his coat, that it had been lost but he just didn't understand.

Once I got all the kids in the house, the first thing Nathaniel did is run over to where we keep the coats. Normally, he hangs up his bag, puts his coat/hat away and then sits in his rocking chair. But today, he just dropped his bag on the floor and ran to get his winter coat. He INSISTED on putting it on and zipping it up. Then he put his winter hat on...followed by his mittens. Then donned the backpack.I figured it wouldn't hurt for him to wear it for a little while...but then 15 minutes later, he was still wearing it and wanted a glass of milk. I told him that he'd have to take his mittens off if he wanted milk. I didn't want him spilling ANOTHER glass of milk all over the floor (he did it 2 days ago).

Well, that set off the water works again...finally I just yanked his mittens off and gave him the milk. But then he went and got the mittens and put them back on himself. Well, since he was still wearing the backpack and he's a little back heavy when he has it on, he bumped into the ottoman and it set him off balance. When he tried to catch himself by putting his hands on the end table, his mitten covered hands did nothing to help him...they just slid across the table. And his face planted into the edge of the table. He bit his tongue and was bleeding and was back with the water works full force. I took the opportunity to go ahead and pull off everything he had on (coat, hat & backpack plus the dreaded mittens). I figured he was already upset, I may as well get it over with. I immediately pulled him up onto my lap and held him even as he tried to throw himself down off of my lap. I held tight and within a minute or so, he relaxed a bit and sat with me. He finally meandered over to the couch and watched Little Einsteins. He seems to be over it now but has a nice purple spot on the under side of his chin where he hit the end table.

It's instances like this that I absolutely HATE autism. I had no idea how to handle the situation. He has absolutely NO attachment to the coat...none whatsoever. He's only worn it a couple of times. But it was the routine that was broken that upset him so much. And I just don't know how to deal with that. I wonder if he thought we were punishing him for something? Or if we didn't care?

Another day in the life of a child on the spectrum.